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Early
in August Father Peter McGrath ran a Sunday for family groups. He
asked me along with others to make a presentation on how family groups
had influenced my life.
I know the
value of family groups, I believe, as well as most. Back in the late
70s, Maris and I were interstate transferees. We came from
Melbourne
. The company I worked for at the time sent me across to
Perth
on a project and when they abolished my old job offered me a choice of
Sydney, Brisbane or Seattle. I thought
Brisbane
was an ash heap at that time, Maris baulked at a foreign country, so
we came to
Sydney
.
I was concerned about our eldest daughter’s education. I asked one
of the girls in the
Sydney
office to ring around the Catholic Girls Colleges to find out what was
involved in a transfer. Everyone raised problems, spoke about waiting
lists and entrance exams, etc. Except for
Brigidine
College
, St Ives. Angela could start anytime.
We rented at St Ives. We attended Mass at Corpus Christie and then
heard of St Anthony’s.
Maris gave
Sydney
three years. What kept her in
Sydney
? We bought our house at
Frenchs
Forest
a year after arrival? I
remember Father Peter’s welcome on our first visit to St
Anthony’s. He spotted us as new comers and directed us to join a
family group.
We were happy as members of the Casey Group and soon became involved
in the parish. In 1982 Father Peter dragged Maris and I out of our
comfortable cocoon to become leaders of a new family group. We missed
the Casey Group and for a while we were attending their functions as
well as organising those of our own. Maris worked hard nurturing our
family group. I have fond memories of her hopping into bed on a winter
Sunday afternoon, turning on the electric blanket and ringing
everybody to get their news and offer her support. Gradually our
involvement in the Casey Group fell away as our own family group
developed its own culture and traditions. After eleven years we passed
on the leadership.
The Casey Family Group invited us to their twenty year celebrations.
Slowly we started attending some of their functions. The group was
always welcoming. We felt comfortable. In the meantime our own family
group deteriorated. Members did not attend functions and it was
becoming more and more difficult for the leaders to enthuse the
members of the group.
I
had two major times of trial. In 1985 Maris spent six weeks in
St Vincent
’s hospital, most of the time in intensive care. The first operation
was not successful and she had to go through the entire procedure
again. I thought she had given up and had lost the will she was so
disappointed. I found myself visiting the hospital every day and with
four children at home, both the Casey and our own group rallied. I had
a freezer full of casseroles and many offers to clean the house and
look after the kids.
The second time of trail was towards the end of 2004. After years of
fighting with depression Maris lost her battle and succumbed to
suicide. Many, many people were shocked. They offered their support
and compassion. The Casey Family Group gave me great support as did
many members of the St Anthony’s community. It’s usual for people
to gradually drift away, but the Casey Family Group didn’t. They
continued to offer me support and still do. I was pleased that Maris
and I had come back to the Casey’s because, apart from one or two
outstanding individuals, our own family group has been absent.
What makes one family group successful and another falls away? What
makes the Casey’s successful? Is it stability of leadership or a
certain predictability about the way the group runs itself? There are
probably as many theories as there are people involved in groups.
Back
in February 2006 the Casey family group had a weekend at the
refurbished Gerringong.
Maris
and I had taken our own family group there many times, and I found it
sad without her. I missed her and the things we did together. She was
always keen on the craft shops. Although I was with very good company,
I could not help feeling just a little apart. On Sunday morning I took
a walk along the cliff top past the cemetery. At one point the cliff
was clear of bushes and as I looked down I thought of Maris and how
she felt as she was falling through the air. I felt powerless to step
back as if I wanted to fall too and join Maris. I was held to the spot
for some time, close to the edge, looking down on the foaming rocks
below and at the endless waves crashing their spray against the cliff
face. I lost track of time. I would mess up the family group weekend
if I jumped, I thought. I made a decision to rejoin the family group
for lunch. The family group drew me back to life. Such is the power of
the family group.
We went back to Gerringong February this year. I walked along the
cliff top again to the same spot, but this time Denis our leader was
out walking too, so together we chatted as we walked back to life and
lunch with the family group.
I
have grieved for Maris over the last two and a half years. My grief
has engendered a sadness which in itself has produced a passion. This
passion has produced a restless energy which, apart from two
round-the-word trips, I have channelled into Lifeline and into my
writing. The profits from my book Friend and Philosopher I have
donated to Lifeline. I thank members of St Anthony’s who bought the
book. I was pleased I was able to donate $5,000. My next book
Whistler Street
will be out shortly. As with Friend and Philosopher, I
have dedicated it to Maris’ memory and will donate the profits to
Lifeline.
People
ask me how I am going. How have I coped? I recently attended a
conference at the
University
of
New South Wales
on post suicide bereavement. The people who attended were researchers,
practitioners in grief counselling and the bereaved. It went very
well. One of the papers suggested that the level of coping of a
suicide bereaved person is indicated by:
-
Participation
in a supportive community,
-
Physical
well being,
-
Control
over daily activities, and
-
A
productive and creative life.
I
thank God for my supportive community. Where would I be without the
love from my family, my friends, the St Anthony’s community, my
Casey family group, the friends of Grace Cottage, the Lifeline family,
the Catenians? The list goes on. If I did not have my networks, if I
had to face the tragedy of losing Maris alone, how could I survive?
"Death
leaves a heartache no one can heal
Love leaves a treasure no one can steal".
Irish tombstone
Noel
Braun
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